So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
