So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
