you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
