I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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