I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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