1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
