We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
