I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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