I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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