I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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