I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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