Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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