I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
