I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
