My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
