I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
