just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
