I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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