just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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