If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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