I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
