Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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