On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My vagina is officially offended.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
