I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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