Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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