maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
