i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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