you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
