Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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