I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
