Banned from zoo.
Again?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Randomize
