How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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