Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
