I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
