I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
