She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
