just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
