My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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