i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
