I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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