i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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