so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
