I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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