Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
