I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
