Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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