I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
