I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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