saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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