The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
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