i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
