We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
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