It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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