I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
