I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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