So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
