I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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