Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize