this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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