If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
