We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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