Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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