There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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