Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
